Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1