Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa