At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
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Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
it takes so much energy
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.