Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Nice try Hitler
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.