Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

Wait a second…

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

San Francisco has too many rules

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?