Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?