You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
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There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*