The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….