Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
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[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.