I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
You Might Also Like
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.