CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
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Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
More like Kate Missington.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.