Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
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Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something