Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Well, shit
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”