Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.