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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
he chose this
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.