Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here