Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake