@Robert_Beau

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

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@1Tortured_soul

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

@ValeeGrrl

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

@leyawn

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

@Supafunkadunka

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

@sevenxx7

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

@Midgetspar

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

@theregoesrichie

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

@FattMernandez

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

@garrettn

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

@Michabean

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.