Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
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Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
fired
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
japanese corn
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
God making man in his image was the original selfie
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.