quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
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I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no