[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”