I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
The French word for sex is croissant.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Seems a bit forward
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem