*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Merica.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Woke up against my better judgment again
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat