“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
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inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I’m glutton sensitive. I overreact when people eat more than their fair share of pizza.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.