“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings![]()
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN