This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My therapist after every session
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants