I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments