Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
This kid will have a bright future.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!