Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Need this in my life lol
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.