oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Friends that check up on you >
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson