@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.