Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Nothing to do, you say?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.