Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
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Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.