The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

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as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water


You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.


I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!


“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL


If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.


Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.


Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.


You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”