@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

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@jwoodham

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

@rad_milk

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

@MensHumor

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

@vagina_cakes

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

@PaperWash

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

@OutOfLeftField_

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

@DaveMcNamee3000

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

@RobWeb79

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

@cooterbrain

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”