The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
this is how life feels
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”