Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.