Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
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If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Merica.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.