o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!