this is how life feels
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Basketball
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom