Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
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Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Pandas 🐼🖤
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Cause of death: Zumba
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?