I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
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i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The three genders
me and my fake scenarios
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers