A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Lmao the reply
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III