My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
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Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Why am I like this?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’