[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
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My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Fluff me with a fork baby
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza