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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?