Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
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I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.