I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
You Might Also Like
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
BRO LMFAO
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop