I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Breaking news:
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich