Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
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The dark side of Canada
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Cndnsd Mlk
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.