7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
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A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
had to share :’)
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.