Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
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Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.