If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks