This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
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Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all