*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.